Soooo, I Didn't Die, LOL - Guess We Should Probably Discuss That A Bit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I wanted to reach out before the end of the year – to update a bit, to thank y'all for sticking with me despite my illness, and discuss how I'm trying to move forward with ASMR. I will warn you, it's not pretty LOL and if you're feeling down or struggling, I would not recommend listening to this. After filming this over and over and over, I wasn't able to get through it all without it being HEAVYYYY. I do want to be clear: while I do discuss the inevitable end, I have no timelines on that. I just know that my illness has nearly killed me a couple of times now, and the longer that I go without a diagnosis and legitimate treatment, I can't foresee how long that will last. I'm not dying tomorrow. Probably.

First off, I wanna thank everyone for reaching out, for sending well wishes, for continuing to support my channel – thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have all the love in the world for you. Thank you.

I want to come back ASAP, mostly because I can't afford not to and I kind of need to pay my bills & medical debt haha. I missed filming so much, but I can't guarantee amazing quality while I am still ill. I have two videos that were waiting in the wings, so I'll finish those and release them before any new content is released.

I don't have any interest in going super in depth into what exactly is going on, it takes too long to explain and it isn't going to help anyone. I wanted to keep up the ruse that everything is fine, I didn't want it to take up space in the one place where people still think I'm a person and not a disabled person. I didn't think about the possibility that it wasn't sustainable, but I was hoping it wouldn't be any time soon. Didn't work out that way.

I have to continue working on the one thing that I have that hasn't been fully taken away from me. I've lost just about everything that has made me, 'me'. I don't remember what it's like to ride a bike, when I used to ride miles and miles only 14 months ago. I don't remember what it's like to go kayaking, or driving, or hiking, or what it's like to wake up in the morning and feel the gravel crunch beneath my feet as I water perennial plants under a dew-covered poly structure with the sun streaming in. I no longer have the ability or opportunity to run my own greenhouse, or travel the world, or get married and have 4.5 kids. Those are the things that made up the fundamentals of who I am, my dreams and wishes, and I have to just learn to be okay with it disappearing and move on. I just can't yet. I'm not done being angry and bitter and jaded. It's been over a year, but I'm not done being pissed about it.

I did not want to bring this into this one space where I looked like I still had my fingers curled around hopeful possibilities. I didn't want the miserable person I have been to leak into the best parts of what I show on this channel. I wanted to keep up that image as long as I could.

But, despite all of this, I am going to do the best I can with what I have left. I am going to try to keep creating content until it is physically impossible for me to do so. It may be sooner than later, but if I don't think about it, it's not happening. I don't know what the quality of those videos or the future of this channel is going to look like, but just gotta keep on keepin' on.

Thank you all for being a part of this channel, for being a part of my life for these many years on YouTube. I couldn't have asked for a better bunch of people. Thank you.

Hope y'all have a wonderful New Year, and I hope y'all have a whale of a day.

xx Calliope